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A Sarcastic Guide to Raising an Entitled (Asshole) Kid

A Sarcastic Guide to Raising an Entitled (Asshole) Kid

Raising a fully entitled kid takes lot of commitment.

You gotta want it.

You want them to be insanely comfortable right? You want to be sure your little angel never gets in trouble, right? You want to be sure they never lift a finger, right?

A lifetime of ease and comfort awaits them and it's up to you to make it happen.

It's time to commit.

Here's a guide to be sure your flawless little creation is the center of the universe for a lifetime to come.

Let's dig in.

1. Give them whatever they want.

No shortcuts here, mom.

The world knows no bounds in comparison to your love for your little one. If it's not available for them here on planet earth, space it is. Get after it.

  • If they request caviar at midnight? You reply, 'honey, wait here, I'll dive into that ocean for you.
  • They'd like breastmilk when they're five? The well maybe dry, but Uber Eats must have it. If not, I know Shirley is breastfeeding and her baby can certainly miss a meal. Have you seen those thighs? Anything for my human masterpiece.
  • They need a new juice because they threw theirs at the lady behind you? Stand up and flag down that waitress with a vengeance, she can clean it up after she brings more juice if she wants a tip.
  • Your child needs more time on their school project because they played video games all week instead? Call the teacher and ge that deadline moved, immediately.
  • Definitely be sure to buy them stuff when they ruin the things they already have. Bonus if they ruined it on purpose because they didn't like it anymore. Hustle now mom, you'll need to hurry now.

Moral of the story, give them what they want. Don't walk, run.

Got it?

2. Don't let them lift a finger.

Never make them do anything they don't want to do. This world is their oyster and they're free to enjoy it in their own way.

  • They don't need to worry about laundry, cleaning up after themselves, dishes, helping with siblings, or anything else. 'Sweetie, sit here and get really nice and comfortable. Can I get you anything?'
  • They don't want to put their laundry away? Throw those old rags away. Buy them new ones.
  • They don't want to help their grandparents carry their luggage in the house for their visit? Gosh those old people are helpless, surely they can do it themselves.

Comfort and preference before anything here, mama. If they don't want to help, for heavens sake assist them in getting their feet up and comfortable immediately.  

3. Accommodate them, always.

Be sure when you're accommodating them, you stop at nothing. The world is tilted on the most perfect axis and is revolving around directly around your child. Please don't throw it off.

  • They don't like the sprinkle of pepper in the family dinner? Put the apron back on Sharon, it's time to make some homemade lasagna. And don't add the pepper this time or you will start again.  
  • The kid is ready to leave? March mama, tell your husband to get in the car immediately. You need to be sure your entire schedule is synced up to your kids emotional needs.  
  • They don't like sharing a room with their little sibling? The house better get listed for sale by tomorrow at 8am. Sell first and tell your husband after. He'll understand.
  • They don't want to help carry in the groceries? Allow them to lay on the couch with their iPad. Bring them a snack. Then get your knees up to carry in the groceries and unpack them. Don't show weakness, there is so much more work to be done.  

4. Yell at others for disciplining your child

You are responsible for raising your angel. Nobody else is allowed to speak to them without your consent, tell them when they are out of line, or discipline them, ever. That would get in the way of them being comfortable or appearing perfect and that's unacceptable.

  • If your friend Katie tells your kid to take his shoes off at her house, you call and yell at her. You child won't be playing there again, she should've kept her mouth shut.  
  • Your child got in trouble for being disruptive in class? You call her teacher immediately. Don't wait, she needs to know she was out of line. It's your job to raise your child, not hers. Be sure to console your child and let her now that she is still perfect and the teacher doesn't know anything. Be sure to belittle the teacher too, make your angel shine.
  • If the checkout lady tells your sweet son to stop banging the buttons on the credit card machine, you shoot her your finest glare. Look directly at your human masterpiece and loudly remind him that you are his mother and he doesn't have to listen to anybody else. Forget her dumb credit card machine, you know stores got along fine without them not too long ago.

5. Be sure they're comfortable, no matter what

They need to be totally comfortable, all the time. This includes temperature, emotions, situations, the environment, and everything else.  

  • Don't sit chatting at the family party if your angel is ready to leave. Is this a free for all or are you committed to catering to this child?
  • Don't make your child wait patiently in line anywhere, ever. Their legs may give out from standing or they could possibly die.  
  • If your kid is tired during basketball practice be sure to get in there quickly and tell the coach he needs a break. The coach is kind of rude for making them run anyways, it's basketball not cross country.

Comfort is a key ingredient in making them feel like the most important person on the planet. They are after all, so handle it mom.

6. Make sure your world revolves around them

You are at their disposal, morning, noon and night. Don't sneak around and take shortcuts. That is irresponsible in the quest for entitlement.  

  • If you'd like to see friends, family, or have a date night with your spouse, ask first. Don't just assume it's okay with your child before you do. They may need you for comfort, to bubble wrap them in love, and protect them from, well... everything entirely.  
  • Take them wherever they want, whenever they want. It doesn't matter if you're in the middle of your hair appointment. You can fix that mullet later. Timmy sees the Target sign across the street and it's time to go.
  • If they whine, it means they really want something. They are working hard to show you that they care. Don't you dare say no.
  • Ask them what they want before every meal, don't ever ask your husband, he's probably eaten something at work today. He'll live.

7. Don't make them accountable

The main thing to remember here is to say one thing and do another. It's actually one of the easier things todo on this list.  

  • Make a chore chart, it's okay if he doesn't do them, just hire a cleaning lady.
  • Tell him he needs to eat his dinner to get dessert. But if he doesn't want his dinner, give him the dessert anyway. Surely he had good intentions.
  • Tell him to pick up his toys. If he doesn't feel like picking them up, get them yourself. Stop being lazy mom. He probably played really hard and has just had enough. Get his legs up immediately and don't forget to get the kid a treat.

8. Be naive AF and be sure to always defend them.  

They can do no wrong, remember that. Always jump to conclusions and be sure that no matter what, you disagree with anybody telling you anything other than your child is a freaking masterpiece.

People can be so dumb sometimes.

  • If somebody says your child said a bad word at school. Yell at them on the spot. Punch them if you have to, what do they know? It was probably their kid that said it after all, yours doesn't even know that word.
  • If you're playing at the park and a mom comes up to you saying your daughter hit her daughter, you look at her disgustedly. Tell her loudly so other parents also are aware that your child would never do such a thing. What she saw is a lie. Maybe even get her contact information and check with your lawyer for a potential lawsuit. Disgusting.
  • If your child gets kicked out of school for posting inappropriate things on social media, blame it on their friends. Tell them your child doesn't know what an App is and only has a phone to call you to checkin. Maybe even consider switching schools, the district is probably just bad.

9. Make sure they don't have manners

This is a really important one in raising entitled children. They don't owe anybody anything.

These three especially are off limits:

  • Please
  • Thank you
  • Excuse me

There's a few things you've gotta remember here...

Manners are for wimps, your child doesn't need a single one. They show character and respect and that's not what we're after here. Get that kid back on the throne and be sure they only use demands or this entitlement thing won't show up in full force.

  • Say you're at the grocery store. Be sure little Tim rips his soda can directly from the cashier. Show no mercy. He needs to look her straight in the eye and not offer even a tiny smile when he's doing it. Show her who's boss.
  • If a sweet older man is a few steps behind Tim as you're all walking into the movies don't let him hold the door for man. Be sure the door shuts right in front of him as he walks in behind you. The older he is the better. Why should your angel hold the door for anybody, it should be the other way around.

That's it. Don't stray to far from this list and your angel will have a lifetime of comfort, expectation, and ease. Commit to doing your part mama, you can do it.

Read Next:

How to not raise asshole kids

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Q. B. - August 20, 2019

LOVE LOVE LOVE your articles!!! I taught for 46 years and in the last 20 years the decline of general morals and guidance in parents has seriously declined. You hit the on the head with each article!! THANK YOU!!

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