There is nothing more honest than a child in a bathroom stall with their mother out in public.
Even worse, 4 children in a stall.
My recent experience with my children goes like this...
Everyone has to pee, me the most.
We go to the public bathroom and look and for the largest stall to cram ourselves in.
A double stroller with 2 toddlers and 2 children walking.
I bump into literally everything and run into every person standing around, taking toes off of the people who aren't walking fast enough or getting the fuck out of my way.
Making my way through the bathroom obstacle course from Hell.
I herd the children into the stall, one by one, using my leg as a barrier and a gate as I push them all inside.
Once inside, I am trying to unbuckle and let loose the tiny ones from the stroller while intermittently yelling “stop unlocking the damn door” only until I silently slip into a psychosis.
The potty rotation goes like this:
The twins go first and they have to pee at the same time while arguing about who is peeing the fastest and farthest and longest.
Lilah is next and she keeps the potty seat warm as she sits for as long as possible while telling me about all of the observations around her in the bathroom.
"Look at the door mommy, it is grey. Look at the wall mommy, it is white."
The whole time I am asking her if she is done yet because I truly am the one who has to pee the most.
After I know the color of every fucking thing in the stall, she finally decides she is done.
Her long sit on the potty resulting in 3 dribbles and two farts.
During all of this, I am holding the beast back while he is looking under the stall doors, crawling on the floor, trying to unlock the door, trying to flush the toilet and play in the water.
Next, I check Micah to see if he is dry, this particular day, the dear Lord above gave me a breaketh and let his diaper stay very dry and pee free.
I sit down and I am trying to pee as fast as I can while Micah is crawling around on the floor still (even though he can walk) and he is growling..while Lilah is chiming in with "you farting mommy?
Is it a fart or just a big poop?” she said very loudly while there is a whole bathroom full of people.
And guess what happened next...
Aunt Flow made her arrival.
I normally celebrate the arrival of Aunt Flow.
It’s typically a glorious day because it lets me know that I have escaped the fate of creating life yet again.
My husband had a vasectomy last year and I have an IUD, but, I’m pretty sure this is an impending doom that never goes away until I hit menopause.
As I greeted Aunt Flow upon her arrival, the twins LOST THEIR SHIT.
I pull the toilet paper out and they shriek in terror with, "OHHHH MY MOMMY IS DYING" "HELP MY MOMMY BECAUSE HER PEEPEE IS BLEEDING TO DEATH" while they are clawing at the door like I have turned into a Zombie coming after them.
I hear the chuckles coming from all the stalls around me as I am digging in the diaper bag for a little item to help me out.
Guess how many I found?
So, Micah has successfully crawled out of the stall while Lilah has her head between my knees looking to see where my "boo boo" is.
Doc McStuffins has fully certified and licensed her with her fucking PhD.
I literally say “shit” 100 times while realizing I have to improvise.
Just when I have given up all hope..
Micah crawls back under the door and saves the day ya'll.
This little child had a tampon in his mouth (in the wrapping) while shrieking with joy.
I hear a "did you get it or did he eat it" come from outside the stall, and you guys...
THIS IS HOW WE SURVIVE PARENTHOOD.
We send tampon carriers in the form of toddlers to save each other in the bathroom and that is why us bitches have to stick together.
After patting Micah on the head & assuring my children I was indeed fine and was not dead or dying or injured, I hurried out of the stall to thank the Angel of Tampons on the other side.
She had already disappeared.
I didn’t want to sound greedy, but I was hoping for a bottle of wine on the counter as a follow-up gift or something.
If you are the Angel of Tampons, I commend you for your service.
You are worth more than words can ever describe and you are a creative ass bitch.
I did not know Micah was capable of such tasks and now, I will forever use him to fetch all of my feminine products.
God bless you, Angel of Tampons.
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Originally posted on Serious Mom Shit
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