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What nobody told me about having a baby

Sh*t No One Tells You After You've Had A Baby

I have NO idea why, but everyone tells you all the crazies that happen while you are pregnant, but very few tell you about all the shit after you have a baby. What’s up with that? I asked some of my Mama friends to weigh in so I can blow the lid off of postpartum secrets and create a safe space for all Mamas past, present and future. Here we go!

*Warning Super Graphic So Men/Dad Please Stop Reading*

Diapers for all! – You and your baby{babies} already have so much in common! No matter how you deliver, you both will leave in super hot mesh, granny panties, because you will be bleeding. Not for a week. Not for two weeks. For like a long time. Some of my gals even said way over a month. You’ll be rockin’ those sexy britches for awhile with pads that are so thick they make me cringe just to think about – but totally a necessity.

No One Knows WTF They are Doing – Especially first-time Moms. Even if you have help from your Mom, it’s normal to think you are doing something ‘wrong’ but spoiler alert – there is no wrong. There’s what’s good for you and your bebe. Ask questions, call the doc, ask nurses – there is no such thing as a dumb question because we are all amateurs.

Let’s Talk Boobs Shall We? – Some people can breastfeed. Some people can’t. Who f-ing cares. I was shocked I had milk come in but didn’t care either way, you know why? It’s either a choice or it just doesn’t work out for whatever reason – either way is cool. You should expect an enormous amount of pressure from lactation consultants and to be honest – other mothers. Listen, listen, to your instincts.

Here Comes the Milk Maiden – If you are breastfeeding or pumping, this is a full-time job. I pumped every 3 hours round the clock for 5 months and my body felt like I had run a marathon every time. You will feel like a cow and tbh there will be moments where you don’t want to breastfeed or pump. It’s okay to stop. It’s okay to not want to. Listen to that body and know that what’s right for you, will be right for your baby.

It’s Okay to Hate Breastfeeding – Feeling no connection or just hate doing it? That’s Okay! This isn’t have any reflection on your Momstarpower {yup I made that up}. I didn’t breastfeed because I didn’t like it and logistically it was a lot. It’s also okay to love it! I know Moms who love that time with their kids and feel an extra special bond. Either way, just do what feels authentic.

Sometimes Milk Gets Stuck – When it does it f-ing is so excruciating especially if you have mastitis. You’ve got to do everything from warm showers to pushing it out to using cabbage to ease the pain. The works! I had no idea what was happening to me and never had heard of this so this was sucky when you are trying hard to feed your kid{s}.

Buh-bye Hair – This is one that I had no clue about. Those thick, beautiful locks started to break off all around my face. I had bangs a la 90s style that I never ever signed up for! Some of my friends have had huge chunks of hair loss and even bald patches. This is normal and it grows back – somehow – really fast. Sometimes this hair loss is immediate, other times it takes months – for me, it was 10 months postpartum.

Sex Doesn’t Feel Sexy – I warned you we were going there. It is not going to be sexy for awhile. I had a C-section and it was still excruciating for weeks.. months! Keep trying, slowly, but surely you will resume your new normalcy. It’s going to feel a little like a train has hit you every single time.. down there. Maybe a stiff drink beforehand or try Woo – it helps. You need to be honest about it and tell your partner to be reallllly gentle.

Visiting Hours Are Not Open-Ended – Yes you want to show off that beautiful baby, but people are germy and pushy and you are freaking exhausted. Say no! Or say yes, but for 30 minutes. Keep it comfortable for you, because honestly when you are running on no sleep, no showers, messy house, it’s just about surviving the next moment. I’m giving you permission to operate on a no f’s given method.

Bounce Back Body Commentary – Some people really need to physically put their foot in their mouths. I cannot stress enough how dumb people will be with their comments – old and young. It’s NEVER okay to comment on a woman’s body post-pregnancy especially as it pertains to snapping back. Talked more about this here. When you are ready, you will focus on it. Again, when you are ready, so be kind to your body and don’t negate the fact that you grew an f-ing human.

The Unsolicited Advice – Usually this comes from people who have either experienced having a newborn over 30 years ago or newer Moms who consider themselves experts. It’s okay to tell people aka family and friends how you want something done because it’s your baby. We were very specific about the twins down to how they were burped and even more anal about their schedule. You don’t need to explain yourself, just do you.

Post Postpartum Depression is Real – So many people closet these feelings and cope with them alone, feeling shame about their own emotions. Our hormones are going wild. Your feelings are real and normal, please please please tell someone and know you aren’t alone. I didn’t experience this, but close friends have been in very dark places for months. Tell your spouse, a friend, a doctor, anyone! Don’t deal with it alone as help exists. I cannot stress it enough.

Lastly, let’s try our best to reserve the Mama judgment of others. Everyone handles things differently and that’s okay! Be uplifting to other mothers, because we are all trying to figure this out one hour, one moment at a time.

Did I miss anything? What surprised you about postpartum?




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