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Why Infertility Was The Best Thing That Happened To Me

 Every night when I put the boys to bed after Eddie has said his ‘goodnights’ he gives me 2:1 time with the boys. I stand balanced between both cribs, holding each little boy’s hand and each night they kiss and nuzzle their little faces into my hands trying their hardest to say ‘I love you’ back to me. Last week, during our usual nightly routine I started to cry thinking how lucky we are to experience this moment; this kind of love that I never thought would’ve been possible if we hadn’t undergone IVF. For those of you who may be trying, struggling, miscarried, considering IVF or some fertility treatment, this is for you and here are the cliff notes of our story.”
I want to be pregnant by July” was me at age 26.

That’s right 26, healthy, happy and seemingly ‘ready’ to start trying. This should be a piece of cake, right? Get off birth control, bada-bing-bada-boom, then you’re preggo. Months passed with no period {which, by the way, is the biggest mind f*ck ever}, so rather than letting more time pass I sought out help. Meanwhile, everyone around me is getting pregnant just by looking at one another and you feel like you are the only one, who wasn’t invited to the cool-kid party {pun intended}.

My friend suggested that I visit her OB/GYN, who she just loved {who loves their OB right?}, but desperate I made an appointment. This doctor hugged me and cried with me because she had been me.

Here’s what you may not know about starting fertility treatments.

Once you sign the papers, you don’t just start. There are so many additional tests to define what you need to do. My ‘issue’ was that I had a bunch of eggs just Netflix-and-chillen’ and not dropping aka I wasn’t getting a period. The first step for us was IUI, which is another way of saying being turkey basted {take the sperm and place it in}. Here’s was our 9 months daily routine: shots on shots, early mornings doctor visits to drop trow and measure the length of the follicles, endless bloodwork and more. Each cycle for me was almost two months long {which is not the norm}. Each cycle also meant psychological torture. Was my body going to do the damn thing? Would it work this time? Why am I gaining so much weight without being pregnant?

Let’s talk fertility meds for a second…

These drugs are NO joke. They make you bloat almost immediately so I was highly incentivized to keep the sweat on to minimize this as much as possible.

After you have failed over and over, you can’t help but think “I am failing. “This is my body failing me,” so when our fertility doctor told us that we would need to switch our IUI to an IVF cycle, my expectations were low to quite low. So what did I do?

Father ans son

When the time came for our egg transfer, we opted for only one fertilized egg implantation, which is uncommon. But we were in the mindset of having one child, period. While the 10-day wait is literally the longest wait of your entire life, we were so thrilled that our IVF had succeeded, we heard a heartbeat then left on a preplanned month-long vacation to the Philippines. We were pregnant. Hooray! Now 2 days after returning stateside, we had a sonogram and holy sh*t there’s another baby. That’s right, they FOUND ANOTHER F-ING BABY. Eddie was so happy he looked like he had won the damn lottery. Me? I was breathing into a bag. What the hell had just happened? Well, there’s a 1% chance that when you implant 1 egg, you get 2 babies. You are lookin’ at the 1% right now.

Once the shock had passed, I took this as a God-given sign.

My estranged mother had undergone IVF in the 90s, was pregnant with twins and at 6 months lost both babies. This was happening for a reason because it was meant to happen. Fast forward through a really beautiful pregnancy, my painful start to this journey blossomed into the overwhelming, all-consuming happiness that Laurent & Roman have brought into our lives.

infertility on the blog

If you are struggling with infertility

It’s okay to talk about it. Like please talk about it. It’s not something you should be ashamed of!! You will find that when you do share, so many women have gone through the same thing, but through the guise of a smile. I wish I hadn’t hidden it. It wouldn’t have hurt so bad if I had known I wasn’t actually in my own purgatory and had been honest.

It’s also WAY okay to say f-off to anyone who asks you ‘when are you getting pregnant’? ‘Have you started trying”? It’s SO invasive and it’s okay to tell them to kick rocks.

TheEVeryDayVogue's family

So Why Am I THRILLED About Our Infertility

When you want something so bad and you cannot have it, when you finally do get your prayers granted, you are appreciative of every single minute moment. The moment your baby looks you in the eyes with recognition. The moment your baby squeezes back when you squeeze their little hand. The first time they try to kiss you and slobber on your nose. All of it. Eddie and my threshold and patience is infinitely higher than most parents we know because we were down on our knees begging for this moment and for this we are eternally grateful.

No matter what, please ask any and all questions as I am an open book.

Till next time

P

xo


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