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Mom diaries: this would be my biggest regret

Lately, I am one giant collection of thoughts.

 

I spent hours crying last week upon hearing about the deaths of a couple of acquaintances. Then my friend's mother passed away. Then my sister had a baby. My mind was swirling nonstop and I kept thinking about my own life.

 

I asked myself this question if I found out I was going to die tomorrow, what would be my biggest regret?

 

For years I have been prideful of my 'hustle'. I've set lofty goals, worked out timelines, worked feverishly while feeding, cuddling, distracting, and entertaining several babies at a time. There was a lot of unnecessary 'busyness' happening and it's really hitting me.  

 

Our oldest is 11. He is a freaking gem, an observer, and a love. If I had to guess his love language, I'd say it's a 3-way tie between giant hugs, time spent together, and words of affirmation. He's an old soul and he's so genuine.

 

Sometimes I make jokes to him about his time running out at home, '7 more years and you are out of here, buddy', I'd joke.


 

Then I think back to the days he was only a year old and we'd spend hours together at the park, watching trains go by, or rolling around on the floor playing and reading books. I vividly remember the simplicity of it and the joy it brought me to hear his laugh and to be there with him every step of the way showing him he was loved and safe.

 

Life was simple, but it wasn't. 

 

Being a grown-up was hard. There were bills, doctor visits, relationship issues, unsettling bosses, questions about life and purpose and careers. Everything seemed new and intimidating. No, everything was new and intimidating. It felt like I was trapped between two worlds that didn't seem like they'd ever fit together.  

 

As I sit here and reminisce, life is the same now. Problems haven't gone away, they've mostly gotten bigger or more complex. There are more kids, more bills, more sleepless nights, and more problems.

But on the other hand, there is so much more. The house is filled with more love, more laughter, more happiness, and more purpose. It's THE purpose.  It's the thing that legitimately brings me to tears thinking of all the joy those little monsters bring into the house.  

 

Lately, I've had several dreams about dying. It maybe sounds morbid, but as moms, we are the ultimate planners and we'll even go to think to the absolute extremes to play out situations to prepare our families. We are real-life superheroes. I did have a talk with God after several of these dreams saying 'I know you saw that dream too, that was absolutely terrifying, please please let me stay!"

 

It didn't take long to feel a pinch in my stomach. I knew then what I would regret most if one of those dreams would become real. My biggest regret would be not spending enough time loving, laughing, supporting, and building up my family... or in short, spending quality time.  Hubby, you are included in this too, of course, I know you are wondering. 😚

Kids are epic, they are beautiful teachers and are great at simplicity. They seek fun, they play, they adapt, they grow, they fall and they get up. They are in the moment, masters of problems (except if you ask them to find their shoes), imagination machines, and confident.

 

They don't need a lot, in fact, they are pretty basic and beautiful little creatures. Your children want you, your attention, your affection, your security, your hugs, your jokes, your teaching, your confidence, your smile, your bedtime story. They just want you.

 

I don't recommend to try and force yourself into having dreams of death 🤣, but definitely take some time to step back and think about life. We all have problems, stress, and something we're chasing, but remember those little (and big!) people that are the joy of life.

Xx, Karin

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